Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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