I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize