I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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