Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Semen is not good for contacts.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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