yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize