I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
