My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
