he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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