Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize