Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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