my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize