did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
