He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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