There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's the barista slut.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
