rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
