It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
