I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
