my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
