I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize