kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
