My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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