I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
