On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
