ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
