Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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