i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
