He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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