Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
