she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
