thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
