fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
