The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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