living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
