His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
