I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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