he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
