I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
