I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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