In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
