if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
