dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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