I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
