it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i dont even know how to be here
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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