Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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