OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
