also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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