I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
