So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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