I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
