what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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