She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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