I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
