help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
