gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
